Afraid of happiness 

I realised something.  

My body and mind don’t know what to do with happy feelings.

This may seem like a strange statement to say and it is.

 I’ve noticed a few times, that whenever I’m happy I tend to shake, and cry. I get an overwhelming feeling I simply cannot put into words,  I can’t talk or get my words out all I can say is at that moment I’m happy. 

As most of my life has been plagued with anxiety, depression, and generally miserable. I’m a glass half empty kinda girl. When ever I feel content with things I tend to stop myself and think of something for me to worry about or get upset about, I’ll dwell on the negative things, or repeat conversations round in my head. I’ll analysis everything till I’m anxious and wound up and again, miserable.

I was in the park with my girls and we was watching a parade. Totally random and silly, but the joy on their face, the noise, the lovely atmosphere it made me happy. So I then started stuttering, crying, and shaky, it sounds absolutely crazy but it’s like my body cannot deal with happy feelings. It’s happened a few times this strange feeling when I’m happy. 

This made me so sad. Sad that I’m not use to being happy. Sad that my anxiety, self loathing, has made me that miserable I cannot deal with happy feelings.

I’m not sure how to approach or deal with this. And I sound totally bonkers. The only way I can approach this is to be happy more often. To embrace happy feelings. To cry if I have to and not hold back. Learn to be happy and stop any negative thought’s that can bring me down.

It makes me realise how sad I’ve been. And how that has carried on for most of my life. I’m scared to be happy. 

My body is scared of the feelings.

But now I’ve realised that I’m hoping I can now start to embrace happiness. Welcome it. Hold onto it. This is the first day. I’m going to enjoy happiness and let it take over me and my life ! 

It’s OK not to love your family 

I wrote before about my relationship with my mom. At the age of 35 it seems more complicated and complex then ever.

You see, my mom lies. Lies a lot. Not major things, but silly things. My sister also lies a lot. She seems to paint herself as this character she’s not. Yet my mother fails to see that my sister has learnt it from her.

It’s white lies. My mom seems to keep me and my siblings apart. She seems to make me feel I’m different. I’m not worthy of their time.  She came to the park with us last week, she didn’t even push my daughter on the swing. She stayed for 5 minutes and said my dad needed her at home. 

This hurts. It hurts that I crave her love. Her honestly. It hurts that I don’t feel that unconditional love I want and need. She’s failed me so many times, I couldn’t write down how. I don’t think I’ve dealt with it myself.  Yet I go back for more. I then will torture myself after phone calls and make myself so angry for allowing her in my life.

We all belive that we should have our family around regardless of the hurt they cause. I now don’t belive in unconditional love. I don’t belive that every women who gives birth to their child loves them in a way they should.  I know my mom doesn’t.  I feel she feels she has to pretend, I feel she’s fake around me. And it’s her own fault.

But for some reason I cannot let go. The situation makes me so unhappy. Yet I can’t distance myself. It’s like I love the drama ( I dont) or I’m a martyr.

Reading something today gave me a little bit of hope. 

I have to let it go.

I need to smile, and box it up, and forgive her.

Forgive her for being a crap mom, worse grandmother. I have to learn that in her eyes she’s not doing anything wrong. She’s always been like this. And I cannot change her or any of my selfish family. But I can change. I need to.

The love I have for my kids overwhelm’s me. And my mom hasn’t been so lucky. Yet I am. The fact I have my children here makes me feel the need to break away. Breakaway from their negativity and set myself free.

The only way I can do that is to forgive her and move on. Other wise I will forever be in a cycle of hate and I cannot live my days with hate and anger. 

Sometimes our families are not good for us,  and there seems to be a taboo about it or disgust when people say they have no contact with their family. Today I see why. Sometimes moms and dads are not great people or even lovable. I’m one of them, and for now I have to be OK with that. I have to be OK and never to be like them.

So no shouting, crying about it. For now I say, mom you crack on with it. And for me, blood isn’t always thicker.  And quite often it isn’t. 

Lots of love xx

My happiness what’s yours?

Happiness is what we all strive. It’s what we crave. To be happy. To die happy. Yet, many of us feel that we are not. We are too poor, not enough friends, an awful childhood that haunts us and ruins the future and present day. Too many things as reasons to make us unhappy.

Yet, when it comes down to it how are we measuring our happiness? Comparing ourselves on social media? Forgetting that it’s an incredible mask to show how ‘happy’ and incredible our friends and family life’s are. The reality TV shows,  were girls seems to have endless of money and not a 9-5 job. They have beauty we can only dream of. The friends that are always busy going here there everywhere while your stuck in with nowere to go. The friends that have endless social lives.

Happiness is different to each of us. We measure it differently, yet sometimes I think we are that busy looking at what everyone else has, what we feel we should have to be happy. 

So, today,  I had a think of MY HAPPINESS. What is my happiness, what does it feel like? How do I feel? 

My happy is listening to my children laughing. Proper belly laughing. It gives me a warmth that I cannot describe and feel’s me with complete unconditional love. 

When my 2 year old gets into bed at 2am in the morning and puts her hand on my face. 

When I’m stuck into a good book, with baby napping beside me.

A sunny day, and I’ve managed to dry all my washing ! (Yes really !)

A random text of partner ‘ I love you’

A silly conversation with my 4 year old then giggling together. 

A long soak. 

Meal with close friends and cake after- with NO regret or calorie counting.

My hair looking OK. 

Writing or waffling!  

Finishing work little bit early and managing to watch soaps before bed.

These things make ME happy.  This is my happiness. Yes it’s silly things. But our happiness is different for all of us. We should never measure our happy to others. And that’s what makes us all fab and different. 

 So when you feel rubbish. Take a step back and look at your happy ! 

The world of an anxious mind 

I wake up everyday with the hope that my anxiety is under control. Or even better, completely vanished out of my life and I’m normal again. Well as normal as I can be.

I’ve never really  heard of anxiety, or its crippling effects it can have on your mental state.

The racing thoughts, your thoughts race through your mind so quickly that you cannot grab one and focus on it. Messy thoughts,  then they all overlap each other and you cannot remember or focus on your main worry.

Its all the what ifs. What if? WHAT IF? Things you cannot control. You feel out of control because you cannot control. You cannot control Situations that are completely out of your control, and the fact that you can’t control them, spirals your mind into a mess. A big mess, till the point were you go to bed and feel like your head will explode.

You cannot focus on anything. Your tummy is into that much of an adrenaline rush, that you keep rushing to the toilet. You feel sick, shaky, heart palpitations. Its the feeling you get on top of a rollercoaster, that tummy feeling yet it never stops you can spend hours at the top of that emotional anxious roller coaster it never drops. Or that job interview, driving test, or just anything that requires that bit of adrenaline.

The friends that fail to notice your not concentrating as your worrying to much so you avoid contact with the outside world for a while. Or they say the most stupid thing ‘DONT WORRY,’ if only it was that bloody easy.

I cannot simply fix this anxiety. Not even medication can phase it out, yes it can dull it but it never completely leaves you. You end up fitting your life around your anxiety. Your family and friends will avoid telling you things for the fear of ‘worrying you’ I only do checks on my body when I know I can call the doctors, for the fear of setting myself into an overdrive of worry, thinking I will die.

So that’s how I live. How my wonderful mind works and fails me. There is no real tips I could give anyone, apart from a good doctor, mine saved me. Diet, cutting all sugar, caffeine out. Excersise and the best one that I realise I do, is breathing. focusing on taking deep breaths. It really does help.

But the main thing I wanted to say is, if any one you know has anxiety, remember it isn’t just worrying. We cannot stop worrying. Simply being there helps. One of my friends well talk me through the situation and help me ‘solve it’ that’s a massive help so then I feel I’ve solved problems before they have happened.

And last of all, do what you love.



Accepting me at last 

Something a I read a little while ago really got me thinking about how and when and why my anxiety and loneliness started. 

I’ve always been a ‘worrier’ and I don’t really remember me being any different.  I remember my anxiety escalating. I remember feeling so out if control and thought I was going mad. I think at that point my anxiety had just reached its peak.

When I was younger I changed schools a few times and then throughout my secondary school I was bullied. We moved onto a council estate that was quite run down at the time and a few girls took a dislike to me. It made me self aware of my flaws and I frequently changed group of friends. 

I always wanted to fit in but I was never good enough, but then I never truly accepted myself. I never appreciated who I was and to accept me. 

My major turning point was a place I use to work at. Now four years on I can probably can say, yes I was bullied. I was bullied as an adult.

Now, this is a major thing for me to say. As at the time I kinda accepted it. I accepted it was me. My fault. I accepted that I was touchy, and sensitive. I couldn’t take a joke.

Now these people called themself’s my ‘friends’. Yes they were my friends. Yet they were the major part of my illness. (Let’s face it anxiety is am illness.)

I was driving home and there was a work night out. I didn’t really have money to kinda waste and felt extremely uncomfortable going. I’m a home body. A quite meal with friends person.   These were loud girls, let’s get trashed and if you didn’t you was ‘boring’ you wasn’t living your life, apprantly I needed to get trashed. But this only made me more anxious.

Alcohol and anxiety don’t go. I will never forget texting my partner that I wanted to come home and one ‘friend’ looked over my shoulder read the text and forever took the micky out of me. ( apprantly my partner was controlling me) not the fact I didn’t want to watch grown women roll on the floor. 

So what did I do? Get wasted. Look like a dick, fell over a lot, and I did the thing I regret most. I believed them.

Most morning were sat before work ridiculing me. I use to laugh, then get in car and cry. 

I belived that there way was the best. I belived their words. I tried to change myself, and to be honest I turned into a cold hearted cow. I changed me. I stopped feeling. My partner begged me to change jobs.  My proper friends told me what these people was. But I went with the crowd like a sheep. 

When I finally seen things for what they were, it was a struggle to escape.  Many nights I cried for the horrible texts I got as I kept avoiding them. I refused to go on night out, I refused to leave my daughter. So then I was ‘boring’ ‘making a rod for myself etc’ they kept getting me in group chats and I’d remove myself. It was so hard.Because I hate offending people I felt I could never say piss of. I could never say how I really felt instead I let them carry on until they dropped me due to me ‘avoiding them’

Along with that, facebook went. Although they no longer talk to me, they rufused to unfriend me. I blocked numbers. I was free.

Free to get myself better. To try and love myself. I still have this major fear of upsetting people. I hate the thought of ever offending anyone regardless how horrible they are. But then I think maybe that’s not such a bad thing. 

I’ve built my friendship back up. My relationship. I’ve started my blog. Doing what I love writing.

 since becoming a mom, I never ever want my daughters to see anyone talk and treat their mom like these people did. I never want them to see its accepted. I want them to love themselves to be happy with what they love and never to be scared of anything they stand for.

I’m still not 100%. I hope one day I’ll be able to put a photo of me on my blog and say :

This is me. I love me. I love writing, reading, good food and few friends. I’m happy to be me.

One day. 

Are we destine to be lonely ?

As another friend seems to drift away I often wonder if our destiny is to be alone? 

As I’ve got older I’ve had friends come and go. But I’ve also found as I’ve got older I crave friendship more then ever. Especially since having children. 

Sometimes my only contact with outside life is the Internet, and even then I’m conscious of how much time I spend on there.  When I put the phone down I realise I’m loney.

The work collegues that promise to stay in touch and eventually dissappear.  The friends that never reply to texts or take that long you give up contacting them. The people that are way to busy to see you, And you realise their not your friend anyway. The ones that let you down at every opptunity. The ones that call when life gets shit and expect you to be there smiling. 

I’m sick of people meeting up to ‘catch up’ not just to spend time in my company. Just to do something together.  Not sit around someone’s else catching up on life’s events without truly caring. 

When I was younger we use to sit around I’m groups, or walking around, watching TV together just enjoying being with friends. Now I rarely just be with someone just for the company.  Now it’s to ‘catch up’ or I get the feeling friends feel obliged to see me as they have not bothered to stay in touch for months.  

Also my lack of Facebook seems to hamper my social activity.  I’ve seemed to miss out on what people are up to but then if they cared so much I shouldn’t have to be on there. 

I’m fed up of organising met ups with friends and getting let down. I’m sick of sort of begging for my friends just to be there.  I’m sick of caring for them and making sure there OK without them realising Im not.

I work with elderly and I’ve never seen ‘friends’ pop in, or even family really. It’s very rare that a family with pop in or they go out for a coffee. So it makes me question why do we feel the need for that bond? If  we will eventually be on our own anyway? 

Or am I just totally unlucky? Do I want too much ? 

As I’ve got older I really only have two or maybe even one true friend that cares.

So do I carry on this way? Or do I just do me on my own with kids and be happy and thankful for what I’ve got right on front of me?   

Trouble with mom

Me and my mom have never had a touchy feely relationship. So one day when she leant to cuddle and kiss my cheek, I didn’t feel love, warmth, I felt like a block of ice.

It then got me wondering why now I’m older she’s become more needy of my affection. I cannot remember a time I’ve cuddled my mom on the settee like I do with my kids. It’s just never been that sort of relationship. 

It’s not that I don’t love her. But growing up our relationship has always been a bit up and down.  I just don’t like her very much. That’s so hard to say. I don’t like her. Yet growing up and even now I always seeked her approval.  I aways felt like she never loved me as much as she should. And I get the feeling she felt the same.

I always wanted to be better. To be good. To do more then what mom and dad never achieved, yet on their eyes I was ‘snobby’ not a person trying to be a success, to be someone.  It was never encourage. Success was never encourage.  

My first memory of our relationship not being good was I had a chair up to the front door with her family allowence book in hand screaming and crying that I was going to call the police.  To this day I’ve no idea what she did to upset me or if it was a childish tantrum. 

Even from an outsider my mom looks strong. Looks like she wouldn’t take crap. But in reality she’s lonely. She has no real friends. Never goes out and enjoys life. I cannot recall my dad ever taking her out for dinner. She lives for her son’s. Cooking for them washing ironing. She takes care of them like she should have me. And loves them unconditionally, loves them in a way I always craved. 

Now I don’t crave that love anymore.  I don’t crave her approval. Having two kids of my own I now understand my mom never loved me in that way. I took away her youth. I was the thing that shouldn’t have happened, I was the mistake. And I think deep down she regretted having me.  And as I stand here now I’m the women she maybe wanted to be. I stand for everything she may have wanted. 

Now I see her older. Lonely. And trapped in a life that has no enjoyment for her but she’s trapped in a routine and loyalty to people that will never appreciate her. 

Here, I’m a women who is strong, enjoys life, cuddles kisses and plays stupid games with my kids. Enjoys eating out together as a family.  And as a family we strive for better – and that’s what I’m thankful to my mom for.  She’s taught me who not to be. 

I’m finally able to accept that she doesn’t love me like she should, and I can finally not seek her approval.  My children are prove that I’m doing OK and for now that’s all I need.

Why I hate facebook

I’ve been without Facebook for a year or so now. 

After seeing what a wonderful time people were having on nights out (yet failing to put there phone down and enjoying) I decided Facebook had to go.

We seem to live in a selfi perfect looking life that we love to self promote on Facebook.  The wonderful meals we cook, wonderful nights out, days out with the kids, while promoting this perfect life for our social network friends.

There was friends on Facebook that I hadn’t spoke to in years yet I knew were they was and what they eaten last weekend. Family members that failed to contact me other then Facebook and now it’s gone I done see or hear of them.

When I’ve been out on day trips with friends and children they have spent lots of the time setting photos up in front of things while me and my children carry on playing. For what? Memories? Or the Facebook community? Sharing your whole life with people that really couldn’t give a shit about you but will judge you on your Facebook life anyway.

The parents that post photos of all their kids Christmas and birthday presents, this annoys the hell out of me. How do we know they may have got a payday loan to pay for it? Credit card? Yet in the world of Facebook all we see is how much money they can spend on their kids. It’s a fake life. A fake Facebook life that we all buy into.

I know people that lie on Facebook, about jobs, money etc. And filter the hell out the photos. I ask once, why? Why lie? And they said because Facebook let’s me be who I want to be and when I get a like’s it makes me feel good. So does that mean we are all fake on Facebook? Do we all need a ‘like’ to be truly happy? Or we can never realistically do or be the person we really want to be?

I refuse to play into the fake Facebook life. I refuse to waste mine and my kids time telling people how wonderful our life is, because it is. I don’t need approvals to know that. 

I believe facebook creates anxiety and paranoia. It also create a target for easy bullying, and opens you up to dodgy people that you don’t know at all. Facebook status offending people without actually saying names setting in paranoia. 

I belive Facebook promotes mental health issues, self confidence and self doubt and I refuse to allow myself indulge in it. 

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