Saying goodbye to toxic family. My mom.

Dear mom,

After recent events, I’ve made the hardest decision of my life.

This will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. But as from today I have to say goodbye.

 I wish you no ill health, I wish you will find your happiness. I hope one day you will finally break free from all the negativity you seem to surround yourself with. But as from now,  I cannot no longer be sucked into your emotional games.

All my life I never seem to have positive conversations with you. You always bitch and moan. And you have an weird obsession with my younger sister. You will consently call me and whine on about her, how bad she is, the list is never ending, and I know you then call and do the same with her regarding me. 

But you forget one thing. 

She’s just like you

She has done everything you use to do. She’s learnt from you. She lies like you. She has no loyalties to anyone, same as you. You could think the world of someone yet you would always find something to moan about.

Then after this weekend I realised, if I don’t cut ties I’m going to be like you. 

Surrounding by misery, self-loathing, and bitter, and that’s what I never want my children to see, me turning into you.

It’s going to kill me not talking to you, I talk to you everyday. I seem to need that conversation of negativity but then I’ve had it all my life. It’s what I’m use to. Your never positive. I get embarrassed when you meet my friends and I can hear you making awful comments, and then you even talk about my sister…..to my friends !

I’ve always been scared to cut ties, scared you will need me, scared that you will be alone. Scared that it will make you sad. Scared that if you die I will be full of regret. What can I regret?  I’ve allowed you to fill me with anxiety and depression all my life. 

 I worry about my children missing out. But then you don’t really have a relationship with them, and if you did I’m scared it will be toxic like ours. They will feel like me and can I allow that? No. I can’t.  I love them to much. 

I’m sick of you making me cry. Making me feel bad. Ruining my special occasions. 

But I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see that I don’t want to be like you. I want a positive life. I want to allow myself to be happy. To smile.  And not be full of misery. I’m choosing happiness. 

So, Goodbye. Goodbye to the negativity, and goodbye to you. I love you so much. But I have to love myself more. I need more out of my life, and if I don’t do this I will be like you. And I deserve better. 

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2 thoughts on “Saying goodbye to toxic family. My mom.

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  1. I can totally relate to this. I made the decision to cut my mother off. It was really hard. After a year of not talking I slowly let her back in my life. I still have to stand up for myself. Our relationship is now healthier than ever because we respect each other even more. Best of luck to you x

    Liked by 1 person

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