Missing dad 

I forgot about my dad.

It was father’s day yesterday, I helped my daughters choose something for their dad, got flowers for my father-in-law’s grave. The halfway through the day it suddenly dawned on me…..I never even got my own dad anything. 

I was annoyed at myself for forgetting. But then I got angry and upset. Upset that our relationship has deteroated that much I never gave him a second thought. 

When I was 11 I found out he wasn’t my real dad. My whole world crashed down. I was so angry. Yet we never spoke about it. It was a forbidden subject even to this day at the age of 35. 

After that we didn’t know how to carry on. I felt dis-connect with my family. Felt I had no belonging. I was different. I didn’t know who I was. My mom refused to aknowledge the situation and our relationship became more strained. I was the outsider. 

I’m sad that it’s came to this. Yet I think times gone our relationship is that strained I no longer think of him.

I do miss my dad. I get jelous of others and there close relationship with their dad. There was a time when I’d be in denial and claim our relationship was good. 

We don’t talk. He doesn’t call to wish me happy birthday, or even to see how I am. I’ve never been out for a meal with him or my mom. 

 My daughter doesn’t even realise I have a dad.

When men have kids and walk away they never see the men and women at the end of that choice. Yet we fail to notice when the mothers don’t tell their children who their dad is. They fail to be honest and end up it being blurted out in a family argument. Then protest it was for the best.

We are the product at the end of the deceit. I’m the women at the end that firstly doesn’t know who my real dad is, and secondly the man I thought was my dad isn’t. 

In the end I’ve still lost out. I still don’t have a relationship with my dad real or not. 

So to all the women that fail to tell their kids that their kids dad is not their real dad remember the person at the end of it. Their the ones that lose out. I have and my children have lost out on a grandad. And that’s the thing that makes me sad. 

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