After having suffering my friend ‘anxiety’ for past few years, I’ve learnt to live alongside it. It becomes my routine. It becomes you, and people tend to work around you and your anxiety.
It’s like the friend that you can shake or rid of yet you want it there.
Sometimes anxiety is your only friend. Your only true friend.
I came to realise that people suffer anxiety because they care to much. We care about what others think. We care when others let us down. We care for our unknown future. We care far to much for friends that never seem to recprate our feelings.
I can’t help but think would I be the same without anxiety? Do people enjoy me having anxiety as I’ll always be there caring. Or needing them.
My main worry at the moment is that friends are no longer wanting to be my friend. Am I driving people away? Or am I in my anxiety state of mind?
I seem to spend time waiting for friends to text, I always seem to do it first. Asking if there ok? But what about me? What if I’m not OK ? but they don’t see me or perhaps it’s my anxiety making me unseen. I long for people just to spend time with me not just to ‘catch up’.
It makes me wonder if I should keep trying. Should I carry on? Or just stop trying. Stop being there. I’m not unkind like that and would drive my anxiety through the roof but what alternative do I have?
I’m so lucky I have the few friends I do. I’d trade 10 of so called friends and have the few I do have.
Perhaps I’m lookin to much into it. Perhaps I just need more from a friendship.
Perhaps it’s time to say goodbye?