Afraid of happiness 

I realised something.  

My body and mind don’t know what to do with happy feelings.

This may seem like a strange statement to say and it is.

 I’ve noticed a few times, that whenever I’m happy I tend to shake, and cry. I get an overwhelming feeling I simply cannot put into words,  I can’t talk or get my words out all I can say is at that moment I’m happy. 

As most of my life has been plagued with anxiety, depression, and generally miserable. I’m a glass half empty kinda girl. When ever I feel content with things I tend to stop myself and think of something for me to worry about or get upset about, I’ll dwell on the negative things, or repeat conversations round in my head. I’ll analysis everything till I’m anxious and wound up and again, miserable.

I was in the park with my girls and we was watching a parade. Totally random and silly, but the joy on their face, the noise, the lovely atmosphere it made me happy. So I then started stuttering, crying, and shaky, it sounds absolutely crazy but it’s like my body cannot deal with happy feelings. It’s happened a few times this strange feeling when I’m happy. 

This made me so sad. Sad that I’m not use to being happy. Sad that my anxiety, self loathing, has made me that miserable I cannot deal with happy feelings.

I’m not sure how to approach or deal with this. And I sound totally bonkers. The only way I can approach this is to be happy more often. To embrace happy feelings. To cry if I have to and not hold back. Learn to be happy and stop any negative thought’s that can bring me down.

It makes me realise how sad I’ve been. And how that has carried on for most of my life. I’m scared to be happy. 

My body is scared of the feelings.

But now I’ve realised that I’m hoping I can now start to embrace happiness. Welcome it. Hold onto it. This is the first day. I’m going to enjoy happiness and let it take over me and my life ! 
Xxx

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