I wrote before about my relationship with my mom. At the age of 35 it seems more complicated and complex then ever.
You see, my mom lies. Lies a lot. Not major things, but silly things. My sister also lies a lot. She seems to paint herself as this character she’s not. Yet my mother fails to see that my sister has learnt it from her.
It’s white lies. My mom seems to keep me and my siblings apart. She seems to make me feel I’m different. I’m not worthy of their time. She came to the park with us last week, she didn’t even push my daughter on the swing. She stayed for 5 minutes and said my dad needed her at home.
This hurts. It hurts that I crave her love. Her honestly. It hurts that I don’t feel that unconditional love I want and need. She’s failed me so many times, I couldn’t write down how. I don’t think I’ve dealt with it myself. Yet I go back for more. I then will torture myself after phone calls and make myself so angry for allowing her in my life.
We all belive that we should have our family around regardless of the hurt they cause. I now don’t belive in unconditional love. I don’t belive that every women who gives birth to their child loves them in a way they should. I know my mom doesn’t. I feel she feels she has to pretend, I feel she’s fake around me. And it’s her own fault.
But for some reason I cannot let go. The situation makes me so unhappy. Yet I can’t distance myself. It’s like I love the drama ( I dont) or I’m a martyr.
Reading something today gave me a little bit of hope.
I have to let it go.
I need to smile, and box it up, and forgive her.
Forgive her for being a crap mom, worse grandmother. I have to learn that in her eyes she’s not doing anything wrong. She’s always been like this. And I cannot change her or any of my selfish family. But I can change. I need to.
The love I have for my kids overwhelm’s me. And my mom hasn’t been so lucky. Yet I am. The fact I have my children here makes me feel the need to break away. Breakaway from their negativity and set myself free.
The only way I can do that is to forgive her and move on. Other wise I will forever be in a cycle of hate and I cannot live my days with hate and anger.
Sometimes our families are not good for us, and there seems to be a taboo about it or disgust when people say they have no contact with their family. Today I see why. Sometimes moms and dads are not great people or even lovable. I’m one of them, and for now I have to be OK with that. I have to be OK and never to be like them.
So no shouting, crying about it. For now I say, mom you crack on with it. And for me, blood isn’t always thicker. And quite often it isn’t.
Lots of love xx