Trouble with mom

Me and my mom have never had a touchy feely relationship. So one day when she leant to cuddle and kiss my cheek, I didn’t feel love, warmth, I felt like a block of ice.

It then got me wondering why now I’m older she’s become more needy of my affection. I cannot remember a time I’ve cuddled my mom on the settee like I do with my kids. It’s just never been that sort of relationship. 

It’s not that I don’t love her. But growing up our relationship has always been a bit up and down.  I just don’t like her very much. That’s so hard to say. I don’t like her. Yet growing up and even now I always seeked her approval.  I aways felt like she never loved me as much as she should. And I get the feeling she felt the same.

I always wanted to be better. To be good. To do more then what mom and dad never achieved, yet on their eyes I was ‘snobby’ not a person trying to be a success, to be someone.  It was never encourage. Success was never encourage.  

My first memory of our relationship not being good was I had a chair up to the front door with her family allowence book in hand screaming and crying that I was going to call the police.  To this day I’ve no idea what she did to upset me or if it was a childish tantrum. 

Even from an outsider my mom looks strong. Looks like she wouldn’t take crap. But in reality she’s lonely. She has no real friends. Never goes out and enjoys life. I cannot recall my dad ever taking her out for dinner. She lives for her son’s. Cooking for them washing ironing. She takes care of them like she should have me. And loves them unconditionally, loves them in a way I always craved. 

Now I don’t crave that love anymore.  I don’t crave her approval. Having two kids of my own I now understand my mom never loved me in that way. I took away her youth. I was the thing that shouldn’t have happened, I was the mistake. And I think deep down she regretted having me.  And as I stand here now I’m the women she maybe wanted to be. I stand for everything she may have wanted. 

Now I see her older. Lonely. And trapped in a life that has no enjoyment for her but she’s trapped in a routine and loyalty to people that will never appreciate her. 

Here, I’m a women who is strong, enjoys life, cuddles kisses and plays stupid games with my kids. Enjoys eating out together as a family.  And as a family we strive for better – and that’s what I’m thankful to my mom for.  She’s taught me who not to be. 

I’m finally able to accept that she doesn’t love me like she should, and I can finally not seek her approval.  My children are prove that I’m doing OK and for now that’s all I need.

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