Why I hate facebook

I’ve been without Facebook for a year or so now. 

After seeing what a wonderful time people were having on nights out (yet failing to put there phone down and enjoying) I decided Facebook had to go.

We seem to live in a selfi perfect looking life that we love to self promote on Facebook.  The wonderful meals we cook, wonderful nights out, days out with the kids, while promoting this perfect life for our social network friends.

There was friends on Facebook that I hadn’t spoke to in years yet I knew were they was and what they eaten last weekend. Family members that failed to contact me other then Facebook and now it’s gone I done see or hear of them.

When I’ve been out on day trips with friends and children they have spent lots of the time setting photos up in front of things while me and my children carry on playing. For what? Memories? Or the Facebook community? Sharing your whole life with people that really couldn’t give a shit about you but will judge you on your Facebook life anyway.

The parents that post photos of all their kids Christmas and birthday presents, this annoys the hell out of me. How do we know they may have got a payday loan to pay for it? Credit card? Yet in the world of Facebook all we see is how much money they can spend on their kids. It’s a fake life. A fake Facebook life that we all buy into.

I know people that lie on Facebook, about jobs, money etc. And filter the hell out the photos. I ask once, why? Why lie? And they said because Facebook let’s me be who I want to be and when I get a like’s it makes me feel good. So does that mean we are all fake on Facebook? Do we all need a ‘like’ to be truly happy? Or we can never realistically do or be the person we really want to be?

I refuse to play into the fake Facebook life. I refuse to waste mine and my kids time telling people how wonderful our life is, because it is. I don’t need approvals to know that. 

I believe facebook creates anxiety and paranoia. It also create a target for easy bullying, and opens you up to dodgy people that you don’t know at all. Facebook status offending people without actually saying names setting in paranoia. 

I belive Facebook promotes mental health issues, self confidence and self doubt and I refuse to allow myself indulge in it. 

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Society and ‘unconditional love’

I wanted to write this to give others in the same situation hope and comfort.

Since cutting ties with my toxic family it’s got me thinking on a number of things.

Love.

Do I love my family? Or is it because society makes me feel that I should and have to love them? Are we born to unconditionally love or is it there for some of us and not for others?

I’ve pondered this for a while.  When I compare the love I have for my children nothing comes close. Nobody. Nothing. I would ultimately give my life for my children. I cherish our random conversations, the random cuddles and show of affection they give me. I’ve never felt love like it. 

I’ve often wondered if my mother ever felt that for me? I’ve never felt it of her. I see it with my siblings. I see the complete unconditional love she has for them. The devotion she has for them, and the smile she has when she talks about them. Unfortunately I’ve never had that approval.

I wonder if it’s not love I feel for her but the dependent addiction I feel for approval. Or the fact that society makes me feel it’s Un speakable to say I don’t love my mother.

Have you ever talked to someone and they tell you they don’t speak to family?  Have you recoiled in horror? I have ! I never think into it I aways say ” oh dear that’s horrid that MUST make you sad!” What about if it doesn’t ? What about I say it’s the happiest that person has ever been? No we don’t think about that. We just think that we HAVE to and MUST have an unconditional bond that can’t ever brake.

We are all wrong. 
I’m going to sound complete idiot but you only get one chance of happiness. And so what if your family are not there. I’m choosing to love myself. I’m choosing to allow others to love me the way I deserve. I’m showing my children that regardless of who you are love is kinda earned and respected. Love does have boundaries regardless of who it is. Regardless if they have their blood running threw you. I’m choosing love that loves me for me. But most importantly I’m also choosing to love myself a heck of a lot more.

If you choose to cut ties with toxic ones I advise you never to do it on an argument. That will only make you feel guilty. And you won’t be strong. Do it calmly. It took something silly for me to stand strong and say enough is enough. I wrote a nice text wished her well. Blocked every social media so I don’t get sucked in again and change her contact name to “your better then this”

Because I am. And so are you. 

Lots of love

Xxxx

My narcissistic mother?

As I search for inner happiness this past week seems to be a revelation for me. 

Firstly cutting of family seems to have lifted a massive weight of my shoulders. The foggy worried mind seems to have cleared. 

I’m sleeping better. I’m happier. And all of a sudden I see what a toxic situation I’ve been in since I was born.

You see, after researching stuff, regarding anxiety, depression. Everything I’ve ever gone through boils down to one person. My mother. It’s then dawned on me, perhaps it’s not me, but the environment I’ve been brought up in and continued to live in mentally.

I’m pretty sure she has mental health issues and the one that keeps springing up is ‘narcissistic’ and I think it pretty much sums her up.

I don’t want anyone to read this and feel sorry for me, but I want that one person that has ever felt like me to find comfort in what I’ve been through and to see its not you.

All my life I’ve known that my mom has no real love for me. She’s never been maternal or felt the need to protect me. I can’t remember her ever holding me, it’s always seemed so false. It’s like I can see how she pretends yet to the outside world she’s totally different. She’s nice and I’m a bad daughter. 

 I never pleased her. Something was always my fault and I aways seeked her approval. She was verbally abusive and physically. It never took a lot for her to lose her cool, never with my sister or brothers just me. When I was at college she called me at my work experience to inform me she got me a job and I had to work and take care of my siblings. She then threw me out when I didn’t want take care if my siblings anymore as I wanted to spend time with my now partner. 

 She encouraged me to live with an abusive boyfriend, and refused to let me go back home, a work college had to beg her. She had friends at our work place who use to call me names and make threats, my mom just stood there smiling and said I deserved it for being a bad daughter. 

If I went out in my late teens and came home late, she would wake me up early hours of morning and she’d stay in bed, blaming me on her tiredness and then I was to pay her wages for having time of due to me going out.

She hated my friends. Especially my best friend and her family. When she’d threw me out as a teenager I use to go to theirs to stay, my friends mom would see the state’s I’ve been in. That family showed me more stability then my own. I felt at home with them, my friend made me stay with her to study and I still owe them a thousand thank you for believing in me and getting me through school. 

She’d send me to school with bloody nose and black eyes. I never forget her putting her hands so tight around my throat I thought she was going to kill me. I wanted her to so she could see what she was doing. You know what I did? I smirked at her to make her madder so she stangle me to death. 

 Her, my dad and my siblings would go out on days out and leave me on my own then get angry as I didn’t do the housework to her standard. 

My siblings would inform their friends that I was there ‘half sister’ this absolutely broke my heart and still does today. She never confronted them she just let them carry on and made out I was over reacting.

As I’ve got older the physical abuse has stopped but it’s the mental abuse to continue’s.  She pits me against my siblings so we rarely have contact with each other.  She aways calls to tell me how bad they are and how little they think of me. 

She still refuses to name my real dad, who she claims wanted rid of me and only down to her I’m here. If I ask her she shuts me down and refuses to talk to me. 

She lies and then denies saying certain things so I look like I lie. When I moved to a nicer area she told people I’ve become a snob and I’m forgetting were I’ve come from. She’s never been proud of me. 

When I went into labour I asked her to keep her phone on as I may need her. She turned her phone of. 

These are just a few things that have been marked on my mind for a long time. And I honestly thought this was a normal troubled mother and child relationship. I think as my girls are getting older I look back and see its not normal and nor will it change. She still refuses to belive she’s done anything wrong. She credits herself for the way I am. I aways worry people won’t like me. I’m scared they talk about me. As I can’t gain a mothers love what chance do I have with other people? 

But yet I can thank her.  I’m a better mom. A better friend. A better partner. She’s gave me mental health issues which I’ve battled with most of my adult life, but to get better I have to let go.

This will be the last time I write about her.  The last time she takes my mind and soul. 

I’m better. Better then my past and better not to be living in it.

Saying goodbye to toxic family. My mom.

Dear mom,

After recent events, I’ve made the hardest decision of my life.

This will be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do. But as from today I have to say goodbye.

 I wish you no ill health, I wish you will find your happiness. I hope one day you will finally break free from all the negativity you seem to surround yourself with. But as from now,  I cannot no longer be sucked into your emotional games.

All my life I never seem to have positive conversations with you. You always bitch and moan. And you have an weird obsession with my younger sister. You will consently call me and whine on about her, how bad she is, the list is never ending, and I know you then call and do the same with her regarding me. 

But you forget one thing. 

She’s just like you

She has done everything you use to do. She’s learnt from you. She lies like you. She has no loyalties to anyone, same as you. You could think the world of someone yet you would always find something to moan about.

Then after this weekend I realised, if I don’t cut ties I’m going to be like you. 

Surrounding by misery, self-loathing, and bitter, and that’s what I never want my children to see, me turning into you.

It’s going to kill me not talking to you, I talk to you everyday. I seem to need that conversation of negativity but then I’ve had it all my life. It’s what I’m use to. Your never positive. I get embarrassed when you meet my friends and I can hear you making awful comments, and then you even talk about my sister…..to my friends !

I’ve always been scared to cut ties, scared you will need me, scared that you will be alone. Scared that it will make you sad. Scared that if you die I will be full of regret. What can I regret?  I’ve allowed you to fill me with anxiety and depression all my life. 

 I worry about my children missing out. But then you don’t really have a relationship with them, and if you did I’m scared it will be toxic like ours. They will feel like me and can I allow that? No. I can’t.  I love them to much. 

I’m sick of you making me cry. Making me feel bad. Ruining my special occasions. 

But I thank you. Thank you for allowing me to see that I don’t want to be like you. I want a positive life. I want to allow myself to be happy. To smile.  And not be full of misery. I’m choosing happiness. 

So, Goodbye. Goodbye to the negativity, and goodbye to you. I love you so much. But I have to love myself more. I need more out of my life, and if I don’t do this I will be like you. And I deserve better. 

We have to make our own happy

When we sit surrounding ourself’s with our own misery and depression,44) we sometimes forget that no one can really help. Friends can’t,  family, they don’t understand. 

Cheer up ! There’s always someone worse of then you! Get dressed! Snap out of it!

Sometimes I think people make us worse. They have no idea that if we could ‘cheer up’ or ‘stop worrying’ our life would be so much better ! Wish I could wake up and say ‘yay’ bring on the day ! Instead of waking up more tired then before.

I’ve had to force myself to get out. I’ve started to write down what I’m doing everyday. Whether it be a walk, visiting the library, swimming, or even grab a loaf from the shop, but this gives me a focus. Something to get ready for. I try not to let myself have thinking time were my mind can wonder.
I have came to realise that we have to help out self’s. Only you can work your way back to some sort of normality. We cannot rely on anyone to make our happiness. We just end up sadder. Sadder that we are not happy like them.

One thing to remember is that it’s not us. We haven’t ultimately gave ourselves this feeling, stop the blame. 

The past is not now it’s gone. Tomorrow is not here. Let’s focus on now.

Missing dad 

I forgot about my dad.

It was father’s day yesterday, I helped my daughters choose something for their dad, got flowers for my father-in-law’s grave. The halfway through the day it suddenly dawned on me…..I never even got my own dad anything. 

I was annoyed at myself for forgetting. But then I got angry and upset. Upset that our relationship has deteroated that much I never gave him a second thought. 

When I was 11 I found out he wasn’t my real dad. My whole world crashed down. I was so angry. Yet we never spoke about it. It was a forbidden subject even to this day at the age of 35. 

After that we didn’t know how to carry on. I felt dis-connect with my family. Felt I had no belonging. I was different. I didn’t know who I was. My mom refused to aknowledge the situation and our relationship became more strained. I was the outsider. 

I’m sad that it’s came to this. Yet I think times gone our relationship is that strained I no longer think of him.

I do miss my dad. I get jelous of others and there close relationship with their dad. There was a time when I’d be in denial and claim our relationship was good. 

We don’t talk. He doesn’t call to wish me happy birthday, or even to see how I am. I’ve never been out for a meal with him or my mom. 

 My daughter doesn’t even realise I have a dad.

When men have kids and walk away they never see the men and women at the end of that choice. Yet we fail to notice when the mothers don’t tell their children who their dad is. They fail to be honest and end up it being blurted out in a family argument. Then protest it was for the best.

We are the product at the end of the deceit. I’m the women at the end that firstly doesn’t know who my real dad is, and secondly the man I thought was my dad isn’t. 

In the end I’ve still lost out. I still don’t have a relationship with my dad real or not. 

So to all the women that fail to tell their kids that their kids dad is not their real dad remember the person at the end of it. Their the ones that lose out. I have and my children have lost out on a grandad. And that’s the thing that makes me sad. 

Pregnancy and depression 

As I sit and cry for what seems like hours, I’ve finally admitted that perhaps I’ve got pregnancy depression.

I can deal with anxiety, least I can still feel like I’m functioning,  but this is horrendous.

I’ve hid it well. My smile hides what’s really underneath. I’m trying to carry on as normal. But it seems that no matter what I put on the outside – inside I’m screaming. 

I’m struggling to get my get up and go. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to go to work. I’m struggling to make small talk with people. I’m craving for sleep. Always tired. My morning sickness is still plaguing me and even the smallest of car journeys is making me ill. So then my diet is appalling due to me craving carbs to make me feel better.

My concentration is poor and I’m struggling to focus on conversation’s. Anxiety seems to somewhat taken a back seat. This feeling has crept up on me as my pregnancy has progressed. I’m scared. Scared of losing my shit, scared of losing me. I’m scared that this feeling is going to plagued for the rest of my pregnancy. 

I cry at the silliest things. The smallest of things set me of. Hormones? Maybe. But I’m better then this. I know I am. I’m stronger than this. I’m the kinda girl that can live in my own company happy. I make everyday count. Not now.

I should be happy. I’ve no real worries. I’ve got two beautiful children, I’m lucky enough to be having one more. I’ve got a nice job, relationship is good.

Something silly set me of today.  To silly to even write it down. But it’s opened the flood gates. I’m ashamed of myself. Ashamed of what I’m becoming. Ashamed of the mental health that I fear will never leave me. 

So today I finally admitted defeat. I’ve finally held my hands up and said enough is enough and I’ve  booked the doctors. 

My children don’t deserve this, my unborn baby doesn’t. Yet I’m scared. Scared of this sadness. 

I hope today is the first step. I hope I can get my happiness back. Get me back. 

Anxiety and friendship 

After having suffering my friend ‘anxiety’ for past few years, I’ve learnt to live alongside it. It becomes my routine.  It becomes you, and people tend to work around you and your anxiety. 

It’s like the friend that you can shake or rid of yet you want it there.  

Sometimes anxiety is your only friend. Your only true friend.

I came to realise that people suffer anxiety because they care to much. We care about what others think. We care when others let us down. We care for our unknown future. We care far to much for friends that never seem to recprate our feelings.

I can’t help but think would I be the same without anxiety? Do people enjoy me having anxiety as I’ll always be there caring. Or needing them.

My main worry at the moment is that friends are no longer wanting to be my friend.  Am I driving people away? Or am I in my anxiety state of mind? 

I seem to spend time waiting for friends to text, I always seem to do it first. Asking if there ok? But what about me? What if I’m not OK ? but they don’t see me or perhaps it’s my anxiety making me unseen. I long for people just to spend time with me not just to ‘catch up’. 

It makes me wonder if I should keep trying. Should I carry on? Or just stop trying. Stop being there. I’m not unkind like that and would drive my anxiety through the roof but what alternative do I have?

I’m so lucky I have the few friends I do. I’d trade 10 of so called friends and have the few I do have. 

Perhaps I’m lookin to much into it. Perhaps I just need more from a friendship. 

Perhaps it’s time to say goodbye? 

The creep called self-doubt

My happiness has somewhat left me these as few weeks. I’m not sure if it’s my pregnancy hormones, but I feel the shadow of self doubt slowly creeping back into my life.

It started with seeing posts on instergram. How glamorous someone looked, fashionable and beautiful. I suddenly felt little. A little voice saying ‘look at the state of you’. 

Now, I’m a comfy girl. Never been a dress up girl. When I was younger I was happy with that. Content. Yet now at 35 I feel I should be more ‘fashionable’ were more makeup, well, just stop being me. But then I fail to remember, I’m a mom of two. Busy school runs, I work unsociable hours, most of the time I barely have the time to shower let alone take care of fashion.

Yet no one has given me this self doubt. I’ve given it myself. I’ve allowed it to take me. I’ve allowed social media to define me. I’ve allowed it to follow me like a bully telling me how worthless I really am. 

Social media is a blessing and a curse. I hate the way it can damper your self confidence in one post. I hate the way everyone leads perfect existence and then shows of about it. How ‘in love’ they are. How they can’t wait for kids to open all their presents in the morning. How it’s raining and take a quick selfie with a slightly more confused look then usual.

I then start to question me. Why am I not like that?  

I don’t see what others see in me. I don’t see what my daughters see. I only see my flaws. My negatives. Not what people love. I’m to busy comparing myself to others on their pimped up social media accounts. I’m to busy living to post numerous of make-up heavy sefies. And if I did get five min I’d rather read or take a nice bath ( oh how I wish! )

Today I made a promise. 

Firstly I will limit my time on social media.

 I’m going to keep being me. Not to change. And be thankful I’m different, embrace it. 

Every morning I’m going to look in the mirror and pay myself a compliment. 

Lastly never forget to keep doing what I love, stop allowing other things to define me. 

No one tells me these negative things, I tell them myself. But you know what? I’m the example of set my daughters. And everyday I must remember they love me for me.

Learning to love other people’s inperfections 

Throughout my quest to be free from worry, I’ve learnt so much about myself and others.  The recently I’ve learnt ‘being negative will only attract negative people’

As a perfectionists, I tend to get annoyed with those who don’t do as I would do. Instead of celebrating difference. 

Most of my time I seem to spend moaning about people and things. People I cannot change, things I cant change, yet in my mind moaning about them makes me feel ‘better’ or does it?

It makes me a negative person. When I’m hopefully in my old age, I don’t want to look back and think ‘why was I so consume by other people’s faults’ when ultimately I’m creating faults of my own.

I then attract the same sort of people. The same people as me. They match my negativity. We complement each other with our grey outlook on life and we look for imperfections in others. This unfortunately makes me, unapproachable. And ultimately a unhappy person.

I cannot change anyone. I cannot change things that happen. What I can change is me. My attitude to situations.

I decided that I will no longer make criticism of those who annoy me or do me wrong. I’ll no longer look for the imperfections on others when I’m far from perfect myself. I’ll no longer treat people the way they treat me, it only makes me sad, annoyed and bring my own negativity to the situation. 

My challenge this week to think positive, be positive and look for good in everything and everyone. 

I cannot change anyone. Only myself. 

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