As I search for inner happiness this past week seems to be a revelation for me.
Firstly cutting of family seems to have lifted a massive weight of my shoulders. The foggy worried mind seems to have cleared.
I’m sleeping better. I’m happier. And all of a sudden I see what a toxic situation I’ve been in since I was born.
You see, after researching stuff, regarding anxiety, depression. Everything I’ve ever gone through boils down to one person. My mother. It’s then dawned on me, perhaps it’s not me, but the environment I’ve been brought up in and continued to live in mentally.
I’m pretty sure she has mental health issues and the one that keeps springing up is ‘narcissistic’ and I think it pretty much sums her up.
I don’t want anyone to read this and feel sorry for me, but I want that one person that has ever felt like me to find comfort in what I’ve been through and to see its not you.
All my life I’ve known that my mom has no real love for me. She’s never been maternal or felt the need to protect me. I can’t remember her ever holding me, it’s always seemed so false. It’s like I can see how she pretends yet to the outside world she’s totally different. She’s nice and I’m a bad daughter.
I never pleased her. Something was always my fault and I aways seeked her approval. She was verbally abusive and physically. It never took a lot for her to lose her cool, never with my sister or brothers just me. When I was at college she called me at my work experience to inform me she got me a job and I had to work and take care of my siblings. She then threw me out when I didn’t want take care if my siblings anymore as I wanted to spend time with my now partner.
She encouraged me to live with an abusive boyfriend, and refused to let me go back home, a work college had to beg her. She had friends at our work place who use to call me names and make threats, my mom just stood there smiling and said I deserved it for being a bad daughter.
If I went out in my late teens and came home late, she would wake me up early hours of morning and she’d stay in bed, blaming me on her tiredness and then I was to pay her wages for having time of due to me going out.
She hated my friends. Especially my best friend and her family. When she’d threw me out as a teenager I use to go to theirs to stay, my friends mom would see the state’s I’ve been in. That family showed me more stability then my own. I felt at home with them, my friend made me stay with her to study and I still owe them a thousand thank you for believing in me and getting me through school.
She’d send me to school with bloody nose and black eyes. I never forget her putting her hands so tight around my throat I thought she was going to kill me. I wanted her to so she could see what she was doing. You know what I did? I smirked at her to make her madder so she stangle me to death.
Her, my dad and my siblings would go out on days out and leave me on my own then get angry as I didn’t do the housework to her standard.
My siblings would inform their friends that I was there ‘half sister’ this absolutely broke my heart and still does today. She never confronted them she just let them carry on and made out I was over reacting.
As I’ve got older the physical abuse has stopped but it’s the mental abuse to continue’s. She pits me against my siblings so we rarely have contact with each other. She aways calls to tell me how bad they are and how little they think of me.
She still refuses to name my real dad, who she claims wanted rid of me and only down to her I’m here. If I ask her she shuts me down and refuses to talk to me.
She lies and then denies saying certain things so I look like I lie. When I moved to a nicer area she told people I’ve become a snob and I’m forgetting were I’ve come from. She’s never been proud of me.
When I went into labour I asked her to keep her phone on as I may need her. She turned her phone of.
These are just a few things that have been marked on my mind for a long time. And I honestly thought this was a normal troubled mother and child relationship. I think as my girls are getting older I look back and see its not normal and nor will it change. She still refuses to belive she’s done anything wrong. She credits herself for the way I am. I aways worry people won’t like me. I’m scared they talk about me. As I can’t gain a mothers love what chance do I have with other people?
But yet I can thank her. I’m a better mom. A better friend. A better partner. She’s gave me mental health issues which I’ve battled with most of my adult life, but to get better I have to let go.
This will be the last time I write about her. The last time she takes my mind and soul.
I’m better. Better then my past and better not to be living in it.